Let us Begin!

Driving for morons, came to me one afternoon, as I was driving home from work ...

On a lighter note, I've decided to write a book "How to drive like a local" which will cover the finer points of:

1. Not ever using your signal light
2. Leaving your high-beams on ALL the time
3. Not looking before turning right on a red light
4. Slamming on your brakes when you are in the middle of an intersection and the light turns red
5. Parking in a no-parking zone so that no one can see around your big boat of a vehicle and crash because of it

And that is just stuff I witnessed today:) (Nov 6, 2003)

From there birthed the idea for DRIVING FOR MORONS ... a rant, driving directions, and more ranting ... all based on ACTUAL EXPERIENCES I have had while driving. These are not made-up scenarios, but horrors that I have actually witnessed! In honour of those horrors, DRIVING FOR MORONS was born. Enjoy!

I plan to re-post all of the lessons I have written in the past, over the next while ... but do stay tuned, because NEW MATERIAL is already in the works and will be posted shortly! Here's the first from the archives:

High Beams for Dummies

All right, this one is for all you melon heads out there ...

Everyone has them in their car, the High Beam. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is aware of the finer points of using their high beams. So, here are some pointers to help you:

1)Do not use your high beams all-the-time. Your fellow road warriors prefer to keep their retinas intact.

2)Do not wait to turn down your high beams until you are so close to the oncoming traffic that you can make out every zit that the oncoming driver has. If you are close enough to see their vehicle clearly, you are most likely close enough to turn down your high beams.

3)Again, do not wait to turn down your high beams until you can see every nick on the back bumper of the vehicle ahead of you. All you are doing is casting a wicked shadow in front of that driver's vehicle and blinding them to boot.

4)DON'T STARE INTO THE HEADLIGHTS! You are not a deer - you are capable of blinking. If you value your retinas, look down and to the right at the little white line until the oncoming vehicle has passed.

5)You know the old saying, "Two wrongs don't make a right" … Well, the same applies to using your high beams. If some moron forgets to turn their high beams off and is burning your eyeballs from your sockets, you need to A) see #4 and B) not high beam them back. You are then stooping to their moronic level and may even cause a serious accident.

6)I am sick of morons flicking their high beams at me, because they think that I am high beaming them. It just so happens that I have a new vehicle and my low beams actually work (not like in my last crappy vehicle where they aimed in two very different directions) ! So, no moron, I am not high beaming you - these are my low beams and luckily, I'm not stupid enough to flash my high beams at you, as it's dangerous and may cause an accident. Maybe you should refer to #5!

7)Finally, one last tip to help you on your way - follow the simple clues as to when a vehicle is approaching you, so you do not blind them. Sometimes you will see a reflection on the power lines. Sometimes you will see the vehicle approaching from around a corner. Pay attention!

Well, I hope these tips have cleared up some of the finer points of High Beam usage. If you are complete moron and still don't understand how to use them, maybe you should sign up for driving lessons OR BETTER YET cut up your drivers license and use public transportation for the remainder of your life. SAFE DRIVING EVERYONE!