Look Ma, no hands!

Today's driving lesson will focus on some of the things you SHOULD NOT do while driving a vehicle ...

1) Talk on your cellphone. Seeing idiots with a cellphone glued to one ear and a coffee in the other really irks me ... If you are holding your cellphone to you ear, then you are obviously NOT paying proper attention to the road. In fact, just the other day I watched this idiot weave in and out of my lane in front of me. Sure enough, he was using his cell phone. They should post this road sign everywhere to remind people! Not that I am against responsible use of a cell phone when driving, but for God's sake either use a hands-free device (they are fairly inexpensive after all) or pull over until you are done your conversation. Yeesh!

2) Apply your makeup. The place to apply your lipstick/mascara/etc. is at home BEFORE you get into your car. I realize that your car allows you the optimal amount of natural light to get a really great makeup application, BUT PLEASE! Driving down the road at 80 km's and applying mascara in your rear view mirror is just retarded! I almost hope that you have an accident and get your makeup brush permanently embedded in your eye - maybe that will teach you!

3) Smoke a cigarette with the windows rolled up and your kids in the back. Ever heard of cancer???? Can't you wait the 5 minutes until you get to where you are going and then smoke it outside? I realize that smoking is a habit, etc. (I've been there) ... but is it really something you should be inflicting on your child? Rolling down the window doesn't make it any better, either. Moron!

4) Try to reach something out of the back. Duh! You've now taken your eyes off of the road and possibly your hands too ... since they haven't created auto-pilot yet, maybe it's not such a good idea?? Who's driving while you are twisted around, digging through the pile of rubbish on your back seat for gawd only knows what? Think about it!

These are just a select few examples of things you shouldn't do when you are driving. They are also just a few examples of things I have witnessed since moving to the city a month ago (Note: originally written just after I moved to K-town). Use your common sense people! If it involves taking your hands off the stearing wheel or your eyes off the road - THINK ABOUT IT!

If you don't have common sense, then maybe you should cut up your license and set it on fire! You should probably rely on a bus pass or your handy thumb to get around, since you are obviously NOT smart enough to drive. I'm beginning to think that we should all be subject to driving exams every 5 years, so that we keep up our driving skills. Morons!

Keep an eye out for some exciting upcoming issues of Driving for Morons, including "The Finger"!

Are You A Menace?

Do you drive a motorhome?

Do you drive a piece of junk vehicle that isn't capable of going any faster than 60 km/h?

Are you so old or blind that you have trouble seeing over the steering wheel?

Are you so stupid that you cannot understand the basics of driving?

If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, then YOU ARE A MENACE ON THE ROAD!

First, are you the motorhome driver?

You are BIG and you are SLOW! You should only be allowed on the road between midnight and 4 am. You should have to pull over everytime there is a vehicle behind you, and let them go by. You hold up traffic and are generally obnoxious. GET OUT OF MY WAY!

Do you drive the piece of junk that can't go any faster than 60 km/h?

Your vehicle should be donated to a charity that can raise money by having one of those "pay 'x' amount of dollars to smash this vehicle with a sledgehammer" fundraisers. Then, as punishment, you should have to give me your driver's license so I can stomp on it and then set it on fire. GET OFF THE ROAD!

Are you old or blind?

HELLO! YOU CAN'T SEE WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DRIVING? USE YOUR BRAIN MORON! And if you are too senile to use your own brain, hopefully someone who isn't will take away your license and sell your car. Shouldn't you be in a home or something?

Lastly, are you the stupid one?

You are too stupid to drive. Since teleportation has yet to be invented, you must walk, take the bus or hitchhike. You do not deserve to have a driver's license and should have to get a big "S" tattooed on your forehead so that no one ever gives you one by mistake.

If you answered yes to more than one of the questions, you should be tied to the road and run over repeatedly. You are not only a menace to the road, but also a menace to society. IF YOU ARE A MENACE, STAY OUT OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT!

Did you find this lesson helpful? Why not check out all of my DRIVING FOR MORONS lessons ~ and remember folks, DRIVE SAFELY!