Look Ma, no hands!

Today's driving lesson will focus on some of the things you SHOULD NOT do while driving a vehicle ...

1) Talk on your cellphone. Seeing idiots with a cellphone glued to one ear and a coffee in the other really irks me ... If you are holding your cellphone to you ear, then you are obviously NOT paying proper attention to the road. In fact, just the other day I watched this idiot weave in and out of my lane in front of me. Sure enough, he was using his cell phone. They should post this road sign everywhere to remind people! Not that I am against responsible use of a cell phone when driving, but for God's sake either use a hands-free device (they are fairly inexpensive after all) or pull over until you are done your conversation. Yeesh!

2) Apply your makeup. The place to apply your lipstick/mascara/etc. is at home BEFORE you get into your car. I realize that your car allows you the optimal amount of natural light to get a really great makeup application, BUT PLEASE! Driving down the road at 80 km's and applying mascara in your rear view mirror is just retarded! I almost hope that you have an accident and get your makeup brush permanently embedded in your eye - maybe that will teach you!

3) Smoke a cigarette with the windows rolled up and your kids in the back. Ever heard of cancer???? Can't you wait the 5 minutes until you get to where you are going and then smoke it outside? I realize that smoking is a habit, etc. (I've been there) ... but is it really something you should be inflicting on your child? Rolling down the window doesn't make it any better, either. Moron!

4) Try to reach something out of the back. Duh! You've now taken your eyes off of the road and possibly your hands too ... since they haven't created auto-pilot yet, maybe it's not such a good idea?? Who's driving while you are twisted around, digging through the pile of rubbish on your back seat for gawd only knows what? Think about it!

These are just a select few examples of things you shouldn't do when you are driving. They are also just a few examples of things I have witnessed since moving to the city a month ago (Note: originally written just after I moved to K-town). Use your common sense people! If it involves taking your hands off the stearing wheel or your eyes off the road - THINK ABOUT IT!

If you don't have common sense, then maybe you should cut up your license and set it on fire! You should probably rely on a bus pass or your handy thumb to get around, since you are obviously NOT smart enough to drive. I'm beginning to think that we should all be subject to driving exams every 5 years, so that we keep up our driving skills. Morons!

Keep an eye out for some exciting upcoming issues of Driving for Morons, including "The Finger"!