S-M-R-T Smart

Earlier this week, when driving to work, I witnessed a most stupid example of driving ... Picture a young, blond woman driving a little car. One hand on the steering wheel, the other with cell phone in hand and glued to the ear. This young woman is talking quite animately on the phone. She approaches an intersection, the light is red. She doesn't stop and breezes right through ... but its okay, because she's used her signal and everyone knows her intention to turn. EXCEPT SHE SIGNALED LEFT AND THEN TURNED RIGHT!!! On a red light, without stopping, and talking on her cell phone all the while. Yeah.

Hang up that $#%& phone!

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I am sick & tired of being cut off or almost killed by morons talking on their cell phones!!! For gawd's sake - buy a hands free unit! They are cheap ... you can get one for under $20. Which would you rather, $20 now or lots of money later because of your sheer stupidity????

Almost every day when I'm driving, where ever it is I have to go, I see some dumb fuck with a cell phone to their ear ... Once I even saw some chick driving down the road sending a text message or using her mobile browser on her cell phone in one hand and putting lipstick on in her rear view mirror at the same time! What are you people thinking???? You can't hold the phone to your ear & maneuver in traffic at the same time. It just isn't humanly possible!

I took a cognitive psychology class last semester ... we learned that when we process information, what we are paying the most attention to gets the most processing (ie. brain) power. So picture this. Chick is driving down the road, cell phone to her ear ... hands flailing wildly about the car as she tells her g/f about the horror of breaking a nail ... How much processing or brain power do you think is going towards driving? Not much! (see, I did learn something in cognitive psych class!)

The other major offenders are business people. Not only do I see them driving down the road, but they're usually writing stuff down or reaching for crap out of their briefcases too. Get out of my %$#@-ing lane and pay attention moron! Even worse is the morons in company vehicles ... companies, what are you thinking???? If your employee is driving a vehicle with YOUR name on it, don't you want them to drive with as much care as possible to maintain your stellar reputation? Buy them a hands-free unit or enforce a pull-over policy!

Now, I'm not perfect. I've been known to talk on my cell phone while driving. BEFORE you start calling me a hypocrite, I would like to point out that I ALWAYS use my hands free device. If I'm calling someone, I dial BEFORE I start driving and if someone is calling me all I have to do is push any button on my phone. This means I am NOT taking my eyes off the road and both my hands can be on the wheel.

I'm realistic ... I realize that pretty much everyone and their dog is using a cell phone nowadays and we are used to the convenience of being able to talk on the phone anywhere/anytime. I'm not saying that we should have a big bonfire and burn all the cell phones out there. What I AM SAYING is that anyone who is using their cell phone while driving MUST USE a hands-free device. All you morons out there who refuse to spend the money to get one should be fined out your nose. It's fuckers like you who cause accidents!

Today's lesson? Buy a fucking hands-free unit already! DRIVE SAFE EVERYONE!

Look Ma, no hands!

Today's driving lesson will focus on some of the things you SHOULD NOT do while driving a vehicle ...

1) Talk on your cellphone. Seeing idiots with a cellphone glued to one ear and a coffee in the other really irks me ... If you are holding your cellphone to you ear, then you are obviously NOT paying proper attention to the road. In fact, just the other day I watched this idiot weave in and out of my lane in front of me. Sure enough, he was using his cell phone. They should post this road sign everywhere to remind people! Not that I am against responsible use of a cell phone when driving, but for God's sake either use a hands-free device (they are fairly inexpensive after all) or pull over until you are done your conversation. Yeesh!

2) Apply your makeup. The place to apply your lipstick/mascara/etc. is at home BEFORE you get into your car. I realize that your car allows you the optimal amount of natural light to get a really great makeup application, BUT PLEASE! Driving down the road at 80 km's and applying mascara in your rear view mirror is just retarded! I almost hope that you have an accident and get your makeup brush permanently embedded in your eye - maybe that will teach you!

3) Smoke a cigarette with the windows rolled up and your kids in the back. Ever heard of cancer???? Can't you wait the 5 minutes until you get to where you are going and then smoke it outside? I realize that smoking is a habit, etc. (I've been there) ... but is it really something you should be inflicting on your child? Rolling down the window doesn't make it any better, either. Moron!

4) Try to reach something out of the back. Duh! You've now taken your eyes off of the road and possibly your hands too ... since they haven't created auto-pilot yet, maybe it's not such a good idea?? Who's driving while you are twisted around, digging through the pile of rubbish on your back seat for gawd only knows what? Think about it!

These are just a select few examples of things you shouldn't do when you are driving. They are also just a few examples of things I have witnessed since moving to the city a month ago (Note: originally written just after I moved to K-town). Use your common sense people! If it involves taking your hands off the stearing wheel or your eyes off the road - THINK ABOUT IT!

If you don't have common sense, then maybe you should cut up your license and set it on fire! You should probably rely on a bus pass or your handy thumb to get around, since you are obviously NOT smart enough to drive. I'm beginning to think that we should all be subject to driving exams every 5 years, so that we keep up our driving skills. Morons!

Keep an eye out for some exciting upcoming issues of Driving for Morons, including "The Finger"!

Are You A Menace?

Do you drive a motorhome?

Do you drive a piece of junk vehicle that isn't capable of going any faster than 60 km/h?

Are you so old or blind that you have trouble seeing over the steering wheel?

Are you so stupid that you cannot understand the basics of driving?

If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, then YOU ARE A MENACE ON THE ROAD!

First, are you the motorhome driver?

You are BIG and you are SLOW! You should only be allowed on the road between midnight and 4 am. You should have to pull over everytime there is a vehicle behind you, and let them go by. You hold up traffic and are generally obnoxious. GET OUT OF MY WAY!

Do you drive the piece of junk that can't go any faster than 60 km/h?

Your vehicle should be donated to a charity that can raise money by having one of those "pay 'x' amount of dollars to smash this vehicle with a sledgehammer" fundraisers. Then, as punishment, you should have to give me your driver's license so I can stomp on it and then set it on fire. GET OFF THE ROAD!

Are you old or blind?

HELLO! YOU CAN'T SEE WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DRIVING? USE YOUR BRAIN MORON! And if you are too senile to use your own brain, hopefully someone who isn't will take away your license and sell your car. Shouldn't you be in a home or something?

Lastly, are you the stupid one?

You are too stupid to drive. Since teleportation has yet to be invented, you must walk, take the bus or hitchhike. You do not deserve to have a driver's license and should have to get a big "S" tattooed on your forehead so that no one ever gives you one by mistake.

If you answered yes to more than one of the questions, you should be tied to the road and run over repeatedly. You are not only a menace to the road, but also a menace to society. IF YOU ARE A MENACE, STAY OUT OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT!

Did you find this lesson helpful? Why not check out all of my DRIVING FOR MORONS lessons ~ and remember folks, DRIVE SAFELY!

TRAFFIC LIGHTS: NOT JUST DECORATIONS

You all know those boxes that hang on a pole at intersections? You know, the ones with the three different coloured lights in them? Well, BELIEVE IT OR NOT ...
These are not just some Christmas decorations that the city forgot to take down! These are something called TRAFFIC LIGHTS. Traffic lights serve almost the same purpose as STOP SIGNS.

The traffic light consists of three coloured circles and each one has a different meaning. Let's start with what each colour means:

GREEN means GO! Green means that you can go, you have the right-of-way, it is your turn to enter/go through the intersection.

RED means STOP! Red means that you have to STOP, it is NOT your turn to enter/go through the intersection, you DO NOT have the right-of-way.

YELLOW OR AMBER means THE LIGHT IS GOING TO TURN RED! Now we all know what RED means ... So when the light is YELLOW, that means that it is about to be RED which means you have to STOP. I don't want to confuse you, but there are some exceptions to this rule. Like when the road is really wet or icy and stopping means that you would lose control. Otherwise, you have no excuse for not stopping. Contrary to popular belief, yellow does not mean stomp on the gas!

Earlier, I said that traffic lights were like stop signs. There is one difference. At a stop sign, you come to a stop and then you can go again. At a traffic light, when the light is RED that means you cannot GO until the light turns GREEN again.

Let's recap: RED means STOP, GREEN means GO, and YELLOW means the light is going to turn RED which we all know means STOP!

At this point, if you still have no clue what a traffic light is or what you are supposed to do when you see one, you should:

A) Take your driver's license from your wallet and set it on fire!

OR

B) Never ever attempt to get your driver's license because you are obviously too stupid to possess one!

AND

C) Stick to public transit for the remainder of your days!

DRIVE SAFELY EVERYONE!

Next lesson: You are too old to drive when ...